Dear New Home

It seems like I've known you forever. Like the past three days have been a lifetime. Oh darling, I just need to express how I truly feel about you.

The way your crooked, unlevelled walls sit in every room with the crust and dust caked on every inch makes me realize that clean is not a true home. You're just showing me how you love to be lived in and I'm all over that ;). Do you remember that one time I put up the cheap curtains up in the kitchen just to hide the stains on the windowsill? Or the time I tried to wipe all the walls, windows and ceiling down and got all those spiderwebs in my eye? Just the other day I found one of those spiders in the shower with me, that was quite lovely.

It was great learning how to properly keep the toilet pump from getting stuck in the tank. You're such a little rascal, I bet that's why our land lady added on $10 for each tennant to pay for the water bill. Drinking the water from the tap is probably one of my favourite drinks in this house. When I get to look down into my glass penguin cup and see little black flecks and various floaties hanging out in my cup. This definitely makes me feel less lonely. It was even better getting to know how the faucet pressure in the kitchen will splash all up and down my clothes when I turn it on. Oh, I know you were trying to get me all soaking wet, well, you succeeded ;).

Well, you know how the ceiling is 6'3"? It was rather silly of me not to realize that my shelf was too tall standing up. You certainly got me there, but I had a good laugh and I took care of it with my hand saw. You know I only lost two fingers, but no big deal! There it sits, all pretty and green and there's only one half of it that got splattered with my gushing blood. I'm sure that'll wash off eventually.

Alas, I believe I've boreded you with all my details of love for your every nook and cranny. I'll just curl up and fall asleep in my corner, it'll be the best feeling since having laid eyes on you.

Love you forever,
Ashie poo

Ok, ok, so it's a well known fact that SOME birds aim their bombs at you...

That's right, one of my worst fears come true: Shat on by bird (dun dun dun).

Last time I was lucky and I avoided anything... sort of, except for a few splats on my easily washable jacket...

This time I saw the crow fly to the lamp post and usually when I walk I am watching the side walk for white splotches and walking around them, but this time I looked up at Mr. Crow and thought "You just landed and now I'm skeptically eyeing you... I think you may poop soon."

Instead of me completely walking around the sidewalk and possibly getting hit by oncoming traffic I decided to runnnnn under the lamp post. And what do you know?! Got part of my eco-friendly re-usable bolen books bag and my index and middle finger.

Thankfully I was beside Thrifties and went in to the washroom and scrubbed it off my hand.

Other than that my day was full of better stuff... until that is the end of my day when I received a phone call that my grandma was in the hospital.

Turns out when you get old you shouldn't eat too much salty stuff or you'll get water-logged lungs which will press upon your already weak heart.

Grandma will be fine but it looks like we'll have to give her lessons in phoning 911 before phoning her son (my dad) to see what she should do.

I LOVE YOU GRANDMA. Stop talking about offing yourself in the hospital!